I'm at the beginning of a new journey.
I setting off, literally and metaphorically, to find out What REALLY Matters.
Because I'm not entirely sure I know, not clearly anyway. Honestly I'm often quite unsure about what really matters to me. I'll think something matters one day only to find that it didn't ever really matter to me but rather mattered to someone else. On many occasions, I have found that I'd been made to think something matters by overblown corporate, social or political ideology and have suddenly realised that it really doesn't matter at all. And then there are the stickier things that I know matter, deep down, but I then realise that I don't live in a way that reflects that knowing - like saying that my health matters whilst working myself into a complete state of burnout.
Why now?
On the 11th November 2019, I went to the toilet and found I was bleeding. Nothing that unusual you might think - women bleed every month. But I was 8 weeks pregnant. Or rather, I wasn't.
The miscarriage itself was formally diagnosed 6 days later following five trips to A&E, excessive blood loss and several IV bags of fluid.
Months later, I'm still struggling with the impact of this experience. This is partly because I have been lucky. Until that moment, I had avoided any serious injury or illness and my nearest and dearest have been - by and large - pretty healthy. I'd never really had to face the reality of life and blood and death and dying. This experience was my wake up call to the simple fact that I - and everyone and everything I love - is going to die.
Of course I already knew that, but I had never felt it physically.
I wish with all my soul that this had never happened to me and yet, through all the horror, I am finding some sense of truth, clarity and focus.
It is time to redefine what I am working for in this life.
It is time to stop wasting time.
It is time to stop dreaming and get on with it.
I have always been full of dreams and ideas about "What I Want to Do With My Life" and some of them even came true. I've succeeded in school; I've succeeded in my career; I've performed and worked with talented artists, had wonderful colleagues and good friends; I'm privileged thanks to my race and my wealthy ancestors and yet I'm still dissatisfied, hungry and unsettled.
And now I realise.
It's because I haven't worked out What Really Matters and when I have, I haven't built my life around those things. As you'll read, this is the really difficult bit because (as I'm finding out) modern life isn't really designed to allow us to find out and focus on What Really Matters. But what's a journey without struggle and conflict along the way!
So this is go-time : Finding What Really Matters and How to Design a Life around It.
I'll post sporadically and quite possibly forget about this blog entirely (particularly if I find that it doesn't really matter), but if you fancy being my travelling companion, follow this blog or comment below.
What do you think I might find on this adventure?
What really matters to you and does your life allow you to honour it?
See you on the road.
Abbie
I setting off, literally and metaphorically, to find out What REALLY Matters.
Because I'm not entirely sure I know, not clearly anyway. Honestly I'm often quite unsure about what really matters to me. I'll think something matters one day only to find that it didn't ever really matter to me but rather mattered to someone else. On many occasions, I have found that I'd been made to think something matters by overblown corporate, social or political ideology and have suddenly realised that it really doesn't matter at all. And then there are the stickier things that I know matter, deep down, but I then realise that I don't live in a way that reflects that knowing - like saying that my health matters whilst working myself into a complete state of burnout.
Why now?
On the 11th November 2019, I went to the toilet and found I was bleeding. Nothing that unusual you might think - women bleed every month. But I was 8 weeks pregnant. Or rather, I wasn't.
The miscarriage itself was formally diagnosed 6 days later following five trips to A&E, excessive blood loss and several IV bags of fluid.
Months later, I'm still struggling with the impact of this experience. This is partly because I have been lucky. Until that moment, I had avoided any serious injury or illness and my nearest and dearest have been - by and large - pretty healthy. I'd never really had to face the reality of life and blood and death and dying. This experience was my wake up call to the simple fact that I - and everyone and everything I love - is going to die.
Of course I already knew that, but I had never felt it physically.
I wish with all my soul that this had never happened to me and yet, through all the horror, I am finding some sense of truth, clarity and focus.
It is time to redefine what I am working for in this life.
It is time to stop wasting time.
It is time to stop dreaming and get on with it.
I have always been full of dreams and ideas about "What I Want to Do With My Life" and some of them even came true. I've succeeded in school; I've succeeded in my career; I've performed and worked with talented artists, had wonderful colleagues and good friends; I'm privileged thanks to my race and my wealthy ancestors and yet I'm still dissatisfied, hungry and unsettled.
And now I realise.
It's because I haven't worked out What Really Matters and when I have, I haven't built my life around those things. As you'll read, this is the really difficult bit because (as I'm finding out) modern life isn't really designed to allow us to find out and focus on What Really Matters. But what's a journey without struggle and conflict along the way!
So this is go-time : Finding What Really Matters and How to Design a Life around It.
I'll post sporadically and quite possibly forget about this blog entirely (particularly if I find that it doesn't really matter), but if you fancy being my travelling companion, follow this blog or comment below.
What do you think I might find on this adventure?
What really matters to you and does your life allow you to honour it?
See you on the road.
Abbie
This is a thought-provoking post. I don't know if What Really Matters is a fixed thing throughout your life, and so it's worth soul searching and checking in with yourself to see where you're at and how your priorities are changing.
ReplyDelete